I used to be that happy-go-lucky girl who had vague plans and directions in life. I had a charming job as a receptionist of a posh hotel in my place. I sang in a band. My salary and sources of income were quite enough. I was single and I gave some financial support to my parents. I was Miss Independent, they would say; I lived on my own. Life for me then was all about fun. I had not had so much luck when it came to relationships with men. I was and still am contented with a few selected friends and I spent most of my time with them eating out or partying in bars. I had enjoyed the attention I got from people. I entertained them with charms and with my talent in singing and performing on stage. I loved the spotlight.
To most people, I seemed to have a happy single life. I had a job and had no commitment to anyone. I was free as a bird. But, deep inside me was a longing, an emptiness, a solitude. Alone in my apartment at night, I would sit on bed with swirling thoughts about a lot of “what if’s.” I had this scary vision of myself getting really old or dying alone, with nobody mourning for me, not a daughter or a husband.
"What if i get married? But, will I ever get married? Could there be someone willing to love me and ask me to marry him? What if I get myself pregnant? What would my daughter look like? But, would I ever survive the pain in giving birth? When will I settle down in life? Am I even ready?" Those were just several of the questions that kept playing in my head two years ago. God! That was only two years ago!
A lot has changed in my life now. As in, a whole lot—like a big twist or switch. It was like a work of magic that took place before I even knew it!
I AM A MOM NOW—a single mom and happy at that. I got pregnant on February 2012. It was an unplanned pregnancy although I was always open to the possibility. I simply got to the point of being sick and tired of jumping from one guy to another, desperate of one true love and always ended up failing. More than I year ago, I bumped again into another wrong guy—the worst among the wrong ones I have encountered. He was my child’s biological father.
So, I bore this angel inside me—but I didn’t panic. The acceptance turned out to be just so naturally for me. WHY? Because I was ready. SHE was no doubt definitely worth-keeping, but the father wasn’t. I left the guy four days after finding out I was one month pregnant. Telling you all the reasons I had to do that will be reserved for another episode of my blog. For now, let us just stick to that life-changing moment i experienced upon knowing I was bearing my child.
Suddenly, while I was looking at the pregnancy test results in my hands, everything just fell into place. All the anxieties and confusions I had had before just vanished away. Just that! And that was simply because of that baby—that living human—inside me who made me realize my life’s worth. My plans were laid right before my eyes. Baby ASHLEY directed me to the path I was made to go; it was the right path. And like a snap of the finger, my used-to-be lonely and gloomy life had brighten up and suddenly a light has lead me to that place where happiness resides…the kind of happiness I had long been searching for.
This road I am taking at present has been made for me and my precious daughter. Never have I regretted this most wonderful and blissful feeling of having a child, even without a husband to support us. My life is complete and I feel fulfilled as a person, as a woman, as a human being. My daughter has filled my life with so much joy.
Looking back to that moment I felt her growing inside my womb, I could so clearly remember this particular thought in my head: “GOD finally gave me something to take care of because HE had seen I had not been taking care of myself all these years.”
It was indeed a life-changing moment and I have been more than grateful it has happened to me just at the right time I needed it…to finally open my eyes and to give me a lesson to learn.